Dubious Claims

Rich Partain is a fantastic author, but often confuses his humorous narratives with reality. I would like to set the record straight about several felonious claims made about me...

Profile and Appearance

As to my AI-enhanced (not generated) profile picture...Rich says these hurtful things with the full knowledge that I was badly burned by an alien substance while rescuing puppies and kittens from a pet store which the invaders had attacked. This is also how I gained my superpowers - but that information, along with the encounter itself, is highly classified. This is the 'mysterious fire' he refers to.

So yes, I used AI to enhance my disfigured appearance. I fully acknowledge the coming of the digital revolution and hope our robot overlords will look upon my service to them favorably. 

Background

Rich does not seem to recognize that a super-powered individual like me could pursue a performing career and still instruct others in the venerable art of Hot Yoga. (And hot yoga is real, dude - why the quotes? is that just for emphasis? an author should know better) 

The "age-inappropriate behavior" he refers to is merely my predilection for overindulging in cake-batter milkshakes from the Tastee Freeze truck on the corner (other side of the Waffle House).

I require them, because the specific food dyes they use in the faux-frosting-flavors keeps me molecularly balanced and prevents the alien substance from completely dissolving my skin. To be fair, I did wear spandex, as part of my first costume. That outfit was both visually (and physically) uncomfortable. I have worked very hard to have those images scrubbed, especially off that one sub-Reddit the mechanic from Wichita keeps posting to. (And I know it was you, XLTrucknuts89!)

Living Arrangements

Rich is just jealous. He has been to our place many times, and knows the dumpster is merely the entrance to a vast underground complex. We have a pool, a pool table, and a floating table we use in the pool. He has even asked multiple times if he can have the vintage Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine; and the answer is still no -- it helps enhance my dexterity for crime fighting.... I've told you this.

However, he was unaware of a tragic passing of our "one-eyed, pansexual, lactose-intolerant possum", Winchester Zoomington III. I know this news will come as a shock, but we ask for time to grieve. At least until my long-suffering spouse and I finish house-training Winston Zoomington IV...this one has both his eyes and can drink all the cake-batter milkshakes he wants. Of course, he is still pansexual.

Also, the Dollar General has been closed for weeks. But if you are ever at the Waffle House off Highway 67, be sure to sit at the counter and ask for Agnes. Don’t tell her I sent you though, because she can’t acknowledge my existence, due to the NDA all the staff had to sign.

I hope this puts to rest any wild speculations...which are best experienced through Rich’s most excellent novels.